new start

Through my eyes

2012-02-09T16:34:00.001+08:00

Was up all night feeling like crap. Didn't know what to say or Do to make it better. I guess I just suck at expressing myself. In fact I think I don't express myself at all.But the fact is just like this photo, all I see is you. And isn't that enough?

Just cause you don't see the effort the person makes doesn't mean the person didn't put in effort. You can not believe in my words or actions, but don't doubt my love. That's all I ask.

Numb

2012-02-09T01:34:00.001+08:00

When you are on a roller coaster too many times, you heart and mind starts to steel itself for the drop or rise ahead. After a while, you feel numb. Detached, like you are watching some other people's life.

I asked the same question thrice, gave you a chance, guess what, I shouldn't have bothered. Maybe its the truth, maybe you are just tired. But I'm too.

I watched as it spirals downward, outta control and I don't have the energy to Do anything about it anymore.

Chasing pavements.

2012-02-05T14:04:00.001+08:00

My heart broke when yours did. I cried when you did. Cause ilu. I know it's hurting so much you had to leave. Yet I just wanted you to stay. What should I do? I put him in my heart and now he runs away with 1/3 of it. I should have never gotten involved, then at least my heart will still be intact, my love still complete.

Can't we just go back to when we all grin like idiots?!!

Im loved!

2012-02-04T15:20:00.001+08:00

Went to dinner with Imran and Ade love. After that to fabrika to chill and then wine bar. Most epic moment of the day is when I throw up in the merc, no plastic bag and all.=x I swear the driver secretly wanted to kill me inside, but was all nice about it.=] Next is having a facial when I'm all drunk. Hahahas. Not my most ridiculous drunk moment yet, but it definitely on the top of the list.

And 2/3 of my love cooked and sent lunch to me cause I was craving for it. I feel loved!!=DD

Takes my breath away.

2012-02-03T11:19:00.001+08:00

Every time it snows, the scenery takes my breath away and make me fall in love with it all over again, despite the cold or the wetness. It's time like this that I look and grin or giggle to myself. Because I just can't keep my happiness to myself!=]
And all I want to do then is to find someone who feels exactly the same way as me, just sitting side by side in silence and watch it rain snow.=|
And right this time, it's ash love by my side. Even when he hates the cold.How to not love him?

On a side note, Every time you're silent. my heart starts to bubble wrap itself and I just heck everything. I'm So afraid of silence. I can't even say how much. But Every time there's this particular of silence, my heart just break all over again. Cause trust me, the last time I had this kinda silence, i just wanna run away and never come back. And it broke me just to stay. So will you please tell me what's on Your mind? it's a hundred times better than my paranoid brain at work. Trust me, I can come up with the most ridiculous thoughts.

When you ask me, I said no,
not cause I love you any lesser,
not cause I didn't trust you,
not cause I wanted to flirt with others like you say,
not cause you didn't melt me with your way of asking.
But cause I don't trust myself to love you the way you should be. How do you love someone completely when You're always scared of falling, scared of trusting someone.
I Do believe though in that if the feelings are true, what the status is doesn't affect it one bit.=x

Everyone keep telling me this is gonna fail right before it starts. Yet I still want to put you in my heart.=[ so here again, I won't love you forever, but as long as long you love me, I love you. This I promise you.

Is this it?!

2012-02-03T10:12:00.001+08:00

Venice is a small small place. Me and ash love went back to the train station from the hotel by walking. We were randomly walking btw. And it just made me LOL. Explored Venice abit and we went to buy the choc that my cousin said was naisee, currently it's just sitting on my table top. Then dinner at a place that only had us. Like a weird.
We planned to visit murano on the 2nd day, but it was sooo cold and snowing that we just walked around and went back to Milan earlier. But it was a good thing, cause we managed to visit doumo for awhile=]]

There are tons of idiotic pics, cause someone just refuse to cooperate. And still dare ask me why there isn't a proper photo.=# somewhere along the line you will realise, why I'm the only one looking at the cam while he's otherwise occupied. But He's so cute, you will still end up forgiving him for it isn't it?!

I'm somehow missing Venice already. I love the structure of the place, love the way it's snows when I wake up. Most importantly I love that it's you by my side.

Venezia

2012-02-01T18:17:00.001+08:00

Weee! Finally in Venice. So I guess I can also say lenice In Venice! Here with ash love, but currently he's napping while I uploaded all our pics on fb. =]]

It's sooooo bloody cold I just wanna hide under the blanket and never come out..
Shall update more when I'm back!
*[[lenice]]*

I'm back!!

2012-01-30T13:48:00.001+08:00

Haven been posting for months, partly cause I have nothing to write, partly cause I'm just plain lazy. Spent Xmas with Adeline love in moscow! New year back on the plane from zurich with ash love. And cny 1st day in sin, managed to squeeze abit of time to go back malacca and spent some tweety little bit of time with cuzz.

Been hanging out with Adeline ash and Imran quite a bit lately. They are 3/3 of my love.=]

I don't know what will happen in the future. But I want them to be my love, even if it's not the love-love kind of love. I fear, fear that if I put them in my heart, they will run away and my hearts gone break into a million more pieces.
I don't know where I got that courage to put them there. MAYBE BECAUSE THEY CAN ALWAYS PUT A SILLY BIG GRIN ON MY FACE! So I just hope they don't break my heart from the inside.=]]

Enough of the words, now pictures!! In random order!

Finally, It's posted from my new love!<3 *[[lenice]]*

here we go again.

2011-09-05T23:32:00.002+08:00

until recently,which i meant today, my emotions was fine.
just today ** had to just contact me. every semblance of peace i have just poof,disappeared. funny thing isnt it? to love or be loved.
last time i look back, i choose to love, and i burnt my ass trying to stop loving. so i know how it feels to love someone so much you still love him even when it hurts.
theres this word called integrity.
theres a limit to what i play with, a limit to what i can take or give.
shes proven me with something i cant do.
people like us stay mainly cause of 3 things, love, responsibility or guilt and debt. and she has all 3.
she loves you and seriously,you owe her.
so you made the choice to be loved, the only thing you can do now is stick to it. till the fucking end.and i can tell you this, you dont have another choice.

Lifeless.

2011-08-08T23:40:00.000+08:00

Just realised this past mth i have done nothing productive. Thinking back, except drinking i just slack at home. Cause no one free for me when im free. Everyone been busy with their own life. And i dont really have one outside work. Suddenly you have all this spare time to fill and you are at a lost of what to do. Hahas. Ironic much!!
Yes, i could have took up learning anything from language to driving to even cooking but i didnt.
and yes, i could have not wasted all those time.

You were right. Damn right.

But i guess 2 good thing i did, i packed my room and i packed myself. I sorted out my heart, and my mind. There will be things or people always impt to you no matter what cause they form a part of memories you wish you could forget yet for now its the strongest. So theres no point in trying to force myself to do that. Im just ready for whatever is coming next. Be it a closure or not. I know i can handle things at a more levelheaded manner.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Stop the heart from bleeding.

2011-07-12T16:36:00.000+08:00

I cant say i can carry on with my life like before but at least bit by bit im adjusting. Filling up time with of course more drinking and shopping. gotta thank my fave batchmates and worm for making my life abit less lonely. And making my day with their smiles and presence!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

been awhile.

2011-07-08T12:27:00.009+08:00

let the picture paint a thousand words.

in dubai, cupcakes!

in perth, snacks!

asam laksa by adeline love and gang!

in london!

best buy!

haneda,tokyo.

fave cake!!=]

snnnoooppppyyyy

half of my buy. and daddy is jealous i bought skII for mum but no beer for him.=X sorry dad!

and last but not least, i managed to tidy up my room. did my best and threw away most of the things i have. but still is messy.=[ but the neatest now is my table top.<3

*[[lenice]]*

Cant do it

2011-06-23T23:44:00.000+08:00

The silence is killing everone present. The question mark is hanging in the air. I dont wanna leave. I cant bear it that i will be away if something were to happen.
We all want her to be strong but seeing how she suffer, what is the correct thing to want?
I wish i have someone to stand by me and tell me this time is the same as all those previous times, that shes gonna be fine. That we are all just paranoid. That whatever we are fighting about is trivial, that everyone has the best interest for her, that all these drama will stop one day, that all this is just misunderstanding and miscommunication.

I need to be strong. Even when im not.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

No one

2011-06-22T20:08:00.001+08:00

I feel useless and theres nothing i can do. Grandma hospitalised again. I feel like im breaking apart just watching her try to smile but too weak to. I wish i had someone to hug and cry instead of having to be brave and smile.
All i needed was to maybe talk to you. But i guess, you are not interested. Waited for this moment yet wishing it would never come. Its just me against the world now.
I can be brave, but just not today.
*[[lenice]]*
-let me sleep and never wake.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

korean food at amara!=]

2011-06-09T17:55:00.007+08:00

we had a dinner at this korean restaurant for BND"s birthday. It was quite awhile back but i didnt managed to upload the pics until today.
on a side note, BND has enlisted. so to be glad, i wont see him for awhile. To be sad, im invisible nowadays with the exception of wanting something from me.=[

*[[lenice]]*

-just so you know, we are all back to where we start.

MALE!!

2011-06-09T17:28:00.014+08:00

kurumba resort! the scene outside the balcony

through that door, you get an outdoor shower!

snorkeling!

day break craziness!

middle of the night jacuzzi.

a drink after work.=]]

the souvenir from this flt.=[[

and now they are having a onboard promotion for staff. so i bought rubbish items like this pair of therapy sock. mad cute and comfy!! and hand lotion and make up base. who said there's nothing to buy for male? =xx

the trip was super fun because all the people were crazy. but after a while, i got sick of the craziness, esp when they are just beside your room! make you so tired but too high to really relax.

the night started with a innocent drink after we reached the resort. then some crazy dude suggested we go swimming in the middle of the night, so we went swimming and tried looking for sea cucumber and fishes in the darkness.

jacuzzi afterwards followed by more daybreak photo taking.

the next day we went snorkeling at some fall followed by lunch and some otot.

been always trying to find the must go destination of the year, i found it! but thinking about the expenses if i were to come on my own, i better start looking for some rich old ah pek to marry!

the place is awesomeeeee!! wish babyy was there!!@.@ now that i found the summer must go place, maybe i will leave it to babyy to decide for the winter one. i love winter when im not freezing cold and most winter places is such a nice change that i feel like its all must go! hehes.=x

*[[lenice]]*

-i harts male!

=[

2011-06-05T09:32:00.001+08:00

Im tired and sick. And this rain made me feel all alone and worse than i already am. Yet today, i finally realised,I dont know what to expect anymore. But i do know that promises are meant to be broken.

brisbane again!

2011-05-27T07:46:00.003+08:00

the pictures shall do the talking. it was a boring day at brisbane and my plan to swim failed because i felt sick. but not before i managed to buy my havaianas and books! ironic.

First time being so sick overseas. alone. vomited like twice and had a hard time keeping anything down. amazed that i haven eaten a single thing for more than a day and my gastric hasnt acted up yet.=x

when you are sick, you just wish you're home and not alone. but neither of which is a choice.=[[ maybe because it feels terrible. up till now, the pain still lingers. it still feel so real. the solitude, the pain, the dreams,everything.

on a side note, i've had enough of people telling me to just break it off or whatnots. knowing that i have my own insecurities isnt enough? why do you guys feel the need to add on to my doubts and fear. maybe what you say is true, but that exactly what im afraid of. that its the truth. nothing but the truth and no matter how hard i try, it isnt gonna change.='[ or maybe deep down inside, im even more afraid of the changes that will come. i have no bloody idea how to stay the same when everything is changing!

*[[lenice]]*
-p.s its the 100th day!

Bye mum!

2011-05-22T22:08:00.001+08:00

My dearest mummy is going overseas for a week. So treated mummy to dinner tonight. After that came home and mummy started packing.
Shes so cute larhs, took everything of mine. From the lonchamp bag(prefer mine tp her own) to my shampoo to my ziplock bag! Best part is she used a cabin bag size!! Dont know how she pack!

Started contributing to this fam And i start to feel the burden.But im happy that im able to give mummy money to spend and treat my fam to dinner and see my mummy happy when i say i will chip in to the household expenses. All these on top of what i owe them.=x

*[[lenice]]*
-theres always a price to pay.

Proud of myself=]

2011-05-19T18:50:00.001+08:00

Just came back from fukuoka. Although i was dead tired, im happy!
Before i went, i told baby im bringing a cargo because theres gonna bound to be things to shop! And i was planning on spending more than my allowance as usual.
I bought lotsa food stuff back and a TRANSPARENT UMBRELLA!! yes, im crazy and i'll probably never use it, but it was just so nice its tempting me!

This is just all those in nice boxes!=]]
and the best best best part is i gottt thiss!!

Mummy say the bag colour not nice, but i like cause unique!!=]

And i didnt buy olympus pen on impluse although its the only camera that caught my eye. Neither did i buy the burberry bag!=]] so proud that i didnt, cause finally i never exceed my allowance!
But partly was because baby was there bbm-ing me. Its time i learnt how not to spluge. I hope its not a one off event.=x

I use to be that kind that ignore the my previous bf's advice. Be it being stubborn or just plain not liking the idea. But i listened cause baby never control whatever it is i buy and most of the time, i hate to say, but hes right! And although i will sulk in person when he say that i dont need it or not to buy or anything and feel like hell walking away from what i plan to buy, but when i'm away and all,I know im glad i didnt. Baby, what am i without you? <3

Taste better than it look!

And not forgetting all the naisee food. Kinda sad i didnt eat my fav soba and chawamushi.

i spent 30 bucks on cab. Cause i left my iphone in th room and only realise at the airport, so i had to pay for them to send it to the airport for me. But im just glad that i got you back! Am using you to post this!=]]

The whole reason why im typing a long post is just so i can use my iphone! And im so tired that im no longer talking sane, more rubbish!

*[[lenice]]*
-

=|

2011-05-13T17:03:00.000+08:00

I tell myself not to expect, and to just understand and accept. Because other than that, i dont know what i can do anymore.

Koala<3

2011-05-13T01:37:00.000+08:00

Cute max! I love koalas an kangaroos!!<3s

On a side note, im tired. Tired of telling myself to try harder. I feel speechless and worthless.

Tell me, whats wrong? I'm not comparing, neither am i complaining. But isnt it wrong that you dont tell me whats wrong and i no longer feel like sharing with you.

I'm superstitious, i believe the tale about watches and rings, so lets see shall we?

*[[lenice]]*
- Maybe i'm wrong all along.

AMS

2011-05-09T13:37:00.000+08:00

The pictures shall do the talking.
*[[lenice]]*

love.

2011-05-02T23:38:00.002+08:00

Baby,i love you. always.

kh graduation!

2011-04-26T16:42:00.003+08:00

today kang hao graduated. me and adeline went for his graduation after our training and bought him bears with flowers!

so proud of him to get best trainee.=]] adeline was taking pictures of him and i suddenly realised it best trainee taking picture of best trainee!!

made me miss my batchies terribly. but their performance was nicee and funny! esp kh's part!

thats all for now. im not in the mood to post a cheerful post despite it being a day where i should be.

*[[lenice]]*

Too little time

2011-04-25T20:39:00.000+08:00

Had a great weekend with baby, kh, timon and adeline.
Went for a swim, timbre dinner and jap buffet<3
Baby went for family dinner with me on sun. Granny gave him a big grin despite not remembering him. Cute!(^(00)^)

After the weekend, of course i have to work. Went back training with billy shushu, ivan bro and adeline love!=]] i miss training days! Wish we have more than 3days!

I been wanting to eat thai smile for awhile now and recently keep eating! I never get sick of always eating the same thing and im glad adeline isnt sick too! I get her accompany for food i love!! We are fussy yet simple eater! *hugs*

*[[lenice]]*
-walking to thai smile now!!=]]]]

More food!

2011-04-21T05:01:00.000+08:00

Met love for lunch at nex at grandma's!
After that we met again for late dinner at thai smile.why am i craving for it again?!!

At phuture i Met 2 marcus and one josh! Had a fun time with love and of course not fogetting all the velvet rope, sleigh driver and sour plum shots!

To end the night, on the way back the cab i was in tire puncture so i had to wait for 45mins for the uncle to change tire. The tp asked if i was okay. And i said im fine except my feet hurts, then he stun for like a moment. He did ask me if my feet hurt badly though later. And reminded me about the running taxi fare. Meanwhile this cute tp was my temp eye candy for the whole agonizing 45mins where my feet hurts and i feel like an idiot.

Baby also accompanied me when i was waiting.=]]Although i wonder why hes awake. Hehes. i'm gonna hold you to that promise! And i will start saving in june...... Of next year!=x
*[[lenice]]*
-using my iphone!

too much beer

2011-04-20T13:36:00.004+08:00

Finally met up with BFF after so long =]]. had dinner with him and of course a htht before meeting up with love=]]]. (coincidentally i realised we were wearing black!) had thai smile. i crave the tomyam there while im typing this not forgetting the mango sticky rice.=[ after that we went for a drink. the rest are history. had so much beer,im gonna stay off for awhile. meanwhile i think hard liquor is fine.=x

gonna meet love later!! and maybe a dinner date!

i told myself to get a life and although its hard. im trying.i cant revolve my world around you because i look at swit hart and i see myself.
*[[lenice]]*
-its always hard trying to know what you want and what you should do.

2nd month and more.

2011-04-18T19:59:00.004+08:00

enjoyed the pool and did some reading while in delhi. of course i ordered room service and didnt even stepped out of the hotel.
while i was in delhi, it happened to be our 2nd mth tgt. how time flies and i always feel it like longer than these 2mths. after i came back, had dinner with baby and my parents before he had to book in. the dinner was no comment.=x
i look around me and i feel tired. i dont know why i expected something different for a change.i wish for once,you would look around and realise this world is not about you. just because you feel unfair and bias, it doesnt mean we owe you anything. it doesnt mean that whenever we give in,you deserve it. you didnt earned anything. sometimes i make excuses for you and myself. i blame the circumstances. i blame the upbringing. but i know its just an excuses. at the bottom line, its about how you think.
i have learned to not leave my shite to others because theres no one to depend on besides myself. i come down hard on myself because deep down inside, i have a certain standard set for myself. maybe after all this time, im still immature, i still depend on my parents to a certain extent.we all have time where we pack and run, leave the responsibility to others,be wilful and act like we have the right to still act like a child and ignore the cruel truth. but in the end you have to learn how to grow. nobody is entitiled to anything.everything you do have a repercussion and its time you learn how to handle it.
but just for your info. maturity doesnt comes with age. it doesnt mean you are older, you get wiser. all of us dont like restraints,reponsibility. yet we have no choice. its time you start taking responsibility for your own life, own faults. it doesnt mean anything when you appear that you can handle life, you are mature enough. then you go and do things that proves us wrong.i just wish you know how disappointed im with you. but more disappointed with myself because i see myself in you.
*[[lenice]]*

its just me.

2011-04-13T08:36:00.003+08:00

these few days i was just being a total ass. okay maybe ass doesnt even cover it. im just mean and maybe deep down, i always am.and i hate myself for it. but i guess its just my way of coping. how does it feel to be in a job and they tell you to consider your suitability for the job. its just i dont know. i always think im not good enough for it anyway but to have someone tell it to my face is just another feeling i cant even describe. i just dont know how to deal with this anymore. im tired of crying. tired of trying. tired of acting. im sick of crying and then acting fine. im sick of telling people im coping well.im sick of acting like nothing wrong when inside im drowning. im sick of asking myself if im not good enough for this simple thing, then what am i good for. im sick of this job always putting me down, (not that i wasnt down before). i always find something to be happy about. like finally ending work, sightseeing, etc. but nowadays, these things no longer cheer me up. i dread going home and opening my email to see yet another mail of disappointment and inadequate of me. i dread ending the day and wonder is this another cdf i dont know about. i dread ending work i also dread going for it. after time passes i realise theres no point talking about things. things that no one really understand. things that people think is just a job, things that people say happens everywhere. things that people arent interested in. so you know, it time to keep it to yourself.
baby, thanks for everything. just having you makes things bearable. i know my attitude hasnt been the best lately.(not the worst yet=x) thanks for tolerating my nonsense. Love you! *[[lenice]]*

101 things on my mind

2011-04-06T02:06:00.014+08:00

came back from london on mon. met up with love for awhile before he has to go back to camp. These days i sent him to camp more than he sent me to the airport. But the trip home never seems to get better. everytime i tell myself i will see you soon.but how soon is the next question. Today met up with swit hart to go swimming although we talked more than we swim. After that we went for massage.=] and one sentence she said got stuck in my head "you are afraid to lose that person because he/she matters to you"
She never fails to make me think and today she made me realise maybe i changed.
i know i made alot of exceptions for him.
maybe what you think is gonna come true,
maybe someday what im afraid of will eventually happen,
maybe it wont be me giving up after all.
maybe im afraid that it will someday be too much for him
maybe all this will change when the situation change.
maybe when time passes, thing changes, we might just not be the same anymore.
maybe im being too rationale for my own good.
maybe im being too sensible about all this.
maybe sometimes im not expecting things like what other expect me to.
maybe i have never throw a tantrum to him.
maybe we have never quarrelled.
maybe for us, its all fast.
maybe he's gonna be alright without me.
maybe like you said, this all just might a game
maybe you think this relationship isnt good for me.
maybe sometimes im too strong on the outside yet a wreck inside,
maybe im not used to telling people what i feel inside,
maybe because im usually the one to not give a shit and this time it changed
maybe i dont dare to do or ask things because i dont want to know what is the answer maybe the balance is lost.
maybe the problem lies with me.
after a whole day of thinking, taking a step back to see things, im more than sure of what i should do. it really doesnt matter and the only reason i need is you. i wish i look this cute when i sulk i need you by my side cause im not strong enough without you.

on a side note, i feel guilt everytime. saying sorry doesnt make the guilt go away.yet its all i can say. all i want is for you to be doing well. maybe you lost trust and faith, and thats exactly why we didnt work out even though i tried hard. because from the start, we hang on a thin string. i cant forget your past, you are constantly in disbelief of the future. we both dont have trust at all. all along you know its a nsa, we both know what we were doing. so whatever else i say are just a pile of rubbish trying to justify my actions.

*[[lenice]]*

messed up.

2011-03-30T01:15:00.008+08:00

every little things. even though always saying things opposite of what i feel. then thinking maybe its gonna come true. i worry about this. is there anyone?its so cute right! if we get used to not seeing each other, will we still treasure the times together? if we get used to being apart, will there be a time where our place in each other's life isnt gonna be so important anymore cause we still have our own lives. when you are around, that what happens. and often i think of us as holding on to sand or glass, i want to hold it tight but if i hold it too tight,its just gonna break or slip away faster.

you asked me if its the job or you thats making me emo. and your reply really kinda made my heart crack. i hate how sensitive and weak i'm.=[

HKF SFO

2011-03-29T15:02:00.019+08:00

view of san francisco

left my flats behind in hk.=[

room service!

clubbing.

disneyland.

cost me 8bucks!

sfo's diner

gladen gate bridge

alcatraz

fisherman's wharf

food in hk.

they say picture paints a thousand words, so i hope these photos satisfy your reading. went to hkg and sfo. bought lotsa stuff and took lotsa pictures as well. the only thing i regretted not buying is a photo of hk night view. super nice but cost 200+sgd.=[

yesterday was supposed to meet love but i totally fell aslp (cause for a week, i had jet lag,didnt have sleep and when i did, it wasnt quality sleep,the most for 5hrs.) so when he called me like a 101 times i just slept through. luckily he came up to my place. and i still screamed at my mum saying why she wake me up early in the morning cause i thought i slept until the morning already.=x so i woke up and prepared. went to meet iffy for a drink at boat quay. then went back home, slept till noon before we had lunch and sent love back to camp.

really happy being able to wake up beside love. miss that feeling alot. so thanks love for taking half the day off!! sometimes i wonder how i got through life for 18yrs without love and now a week seems like hell long. and there are times when i look at him and i cant figure out what he is thinking and i worry. im a downright pessimist.i always worry that we will end up like all the others, those lies, those drama and distrust.

*[[lenice]]*

=[

2011-03-21T02:29:00.005+08:00

On sat,1st time love didn't pick me up from the airport when he free. although i told him not to come. love, I'm still blaming it on the 1st mth syndrome.
spent sat afternoon watching fringe. At night,went to phuture with ben and kh.
obviously we spent sun sleeping and watching more fringe. before love have to book in. sent him back to camp and then come home to realise I'm being called up. sian max.

love never complained when i have stupid food craving like root beer float and then waffles. he will just get them for me.=] coincidentally, yesterday we went to phuture on the 19th. which is exactly one mth from the day we last went to. i guess now, phuture is kinda a special for me. it holds memories with love that can never be replace. im glad love remembered as well=]]
because of the call up, it disrupted my roster and of course my plan with love.no adjustment bureau,no weekend,nothing. somehow somewhere something feels different. maybe because i sent love to camp then the ride home sucks and i come home to this. or maybe because these few days theres too much happening. or maybe the future doesnt look all that promising. or isit cause this time, i have no confidence at all. just like blank, i cant even tell myself its gonna be fast. i dont even know which is the day i should look forward to. partly because for these 2weeks, its all gonna be long flt away from sin and i know i wont be coming home to him.=[ i cant even begin to imagine what will happen if he ord.
love, im glad you were there when i was snappy and just downright bitchy. i'm aware i'm too negative for my own good.thanks for listening. deep inside i trust you so much that my brain is telling me its suicide,then i get scared that im never good enough,that you can just walk away. i know even though we agreed it wont be a problem for us, sometimes you feel uneasy(cause if im you i'll probably act fine but start thinking negative). i know sometimes my respond may not be the best thing to do either.remember what you told me that trust isnt given,its earned? i will earn that trust. cause i wont cross that line, and i cant see myself with anyone else. maybe this period is a trial for us. to prove and know just how strong our love is, how much we can go through together. i know its difficult but im gonna convince myself that whatever that is gonna change, this love will stay the same. even though its killing me to go through this, im not letting go or running away like always, thats how much i love you, how much you mean to me.

*[[lenice]]*
-im afraid. to tell the truth.

1st month

2011-03-18T00:14:00.005+08:00

yesterday was our 1st month. love came to fetch me from the airport. After washing up and all, Went to his place and had finger food while watching fringe,ended up falling asleep.=x
My dad was being random and asked us for dinner at sakura cause he heard it was good. Although we already made plans and its our 1st month together, love had dinner with my family.Then he bought root beer and ice cream to make root beer float for me cause i have been saying i want to have a root beer float all day.=]

Woke up this morning and the first thing was thinking why isit so bright. Then i know love didnt went for his lifeguard thingy. feeling bad thinking is it because of me that he didnt go but he gave me tons of rubbish reason as usual. Then i said i wanna have mac breakfast but after that i went back to sleep. Woke up around 10+ and i asked him if i have mac breakfast, he said nope. In the end i still get mac breakfast cause he already ordered.=] Had dinner at his place before he drove me and mum to amk and waited around an hour for us to be done.

Thanks for just being there when i was upset, having dinner with my family when we could have just not go and spend the day together alone, getting me root beer float, ordering mac breakfast,waiting for me and mostly just being with me.=]

i love the way just talking about how we met, the way you react when i irritate you, the way you would make me smile even when im crying. I wake up and see you and tell myself, it wasnt just a dream. you not waking me up cause you know i didnt have quality sleep lately. remember how i said, "how am i suppose to see the good in someone when i have already found the best in someone else", it just like this with you. like i couldnt possibly find any other person who would even come close to what you mean to me.
i used to tell myself i wont jump into a relationship because i'm scared it will end badly. yet with you, i did everything i told myself not to. and guess what, i never regretted a bit of it. i am glad i took the risk with you.

i didnt ask you this question today was because i know no matter whats your answer, i probably cry. "you could have chosen anyone, why me?"

Happy 1st month love! This is just the beginning.=]

*[[lenice]]*

pissed

2011-03-14T18:58:00.002+08:00

currently on hold with the 3rd person in singtel cause they like transferring department. oh,btw its been 30mins on the phone already. mad angry i shouted at the operator. its not my fault that you cant answer my question and the fucking billing department is closed and you cant get them to call me back. its a simple question all i need is a answer, not 10mins on hold and you tell me fucking rubbish. maybe the fact that my parents are breathing down my neck isnt helping either. but get the facts right before you tell me. everyone has a different story. then bill come i have to fucking pay. its 382 (for one country alone)not 3.82 okay?! i select correct operator pay, wrong operator pay. then i sign up for dataroam for fuck? you just step on my tail for the wrong reasons today dude.

Couple tee

2011-03-07T18:17:00.000+08:00

Just remembered this convo with love yesterday after meeting with vian. Goes something like that.
Me: why we never buy couple tee?
Love: cause im not that kind of person who will wear it
Me: so if i buy then how?!
Love: i will wear to sleep,okay

Well, gonna go console myself that we have a conincidentally same phone. Hahas.
*[[lenice]]*
- it doesnt matter whether we have the same things or not, cause you are still mine!=]]

- Posted from my iPhone

misses

2011-03-07T01:21:00.011+08:00

room service

with green tea latte

nightfall that i wanna share with you.

went for a cgk night stop. arrive sin on sat morning.

love was at the airport to fetch me. sent me home first then we went to ssc to eat his fave(fish and co.) we spent the rest of the day watching gossip girl and eating a simple yet delicious dinner.

today met up with bro and adeline, ate at the charlie brown cafe! then we had dinner at my place and he had to book in.

These two days felt like just a few hours. yet i treasure every moment with you, even when its just gossip girl. today is the first time that i'm in sin when he had to book in. so i get to sent him to camp. before we left, i was already feeling blue. then when he left, the cab ride home sucks. miss his presence like hell! would have cried if i didnt tell myself there's nothing to be sappy about cause he is in sin and i will be seeing him in 7 days! it hit me very hard probably because mostly after he sends me off, i'm busy but this time i have all the time in the world.=[[ normally i'll say very fast one. and this time i'm gonna say the same even though it will be the longest.

sometimes i get the thoughts :"what if he doesnt do this anymore",

"what if someone better comes along",

"will we ever be like them",

"will there be a day where all thats left is trying to maintain the love even when we are tired"

"wake up thinking if its real until i saw his text"

"will it end as fast as it started?"

"what if he get tired of all this negativity and rubbish"
"what if i come back and its no longer the same",
"how did i end up with this amazing guy?",
"maybe,the ending is just round the corner"
then i look at him and i know, hes worth everything.

*[[lenice]]*

-actions speaks louder than words.

-i believe all this goodbyes are making our love stronger.

bangkok trip.

2011-03-03T02:46:00.009+08:00

touched down in bangkok, got into a cab and headed to the hotel. after check in,we went looking for lunch. before we found lunch, i camwhored abit.

then lunch finally!
our hand,so different!
this is what happens when hes in the toilet.
and after he comes out.
queuing to buy our metro ticket.

and while waiting.
the metro station near our hotel.
a place called queen's victoria. i love the ambiance!

Hard rock cafe!
melvin's fave quote now!

and more pictures while we were going to wat arun.

checking out.
then i asked him to camwhore as well.=x
no grumpy face!

home sweet home. him unpacking.

they always says picture paints a thousand words.so sorry you probably just see us alot more than anything else, cause the pics arent with me. blame mell now!
had a fun trip with love. was supposed to wake up for breakfast but because i wake up late every morning,we only went for breakfast on the last day.
went to sightseeing at the temples,madame tussauds(thus the pic), ocean world and baiyoke sky!
thanks love for going to the hard rock cafe when i was just being random mentioning it on the train!=] no more losing monopoly deal to you already! and you are probably the only one who will ask me to do shopping! Hope you enjoyed the trip as much as i did! and and and im going to find the must go destination of the year and drag you with me!=x

*[[lenice]]*
-even though i always say otherwise,but you are still the bbf ever!<3

reminder

2011-03-02T13:47:00.003+08:00

just wanted to post a short post before i leave house.
no longer feeling as moody as yesterday,partly because love come to my house in the morning=], partly because i know that love has to go back camp while i go back to work,and
mostly because i reminded myself that its my choice,its my job, so no matter what i'll be working. sometimes i get disappointed with myself thinking why i have to be moody when its my choice,then wanting to hit myself for regretting my decisions. thus, i should stop this kinda negative thought and just accept the fact and of course find something i love about the job!
*[[lenice]]*
-gonna post about bkk tonight!!=]

back from bkk

2011-03-01T21:38:00.002+08:00

supposed to have alot of things to write.
had a great trip.
happy to be home.
but dread going to work.
im still in the holiday mood.
things suppose to get easier with time.
yet everytime i feel even worse than the last.
somethings feels wrong.
frustrated and disappointed with myself.
*[[lenice]]*
-tears are often words left unsaid.

unknown

2011-02-24T23:28:00.000+08:00

met up with gf lilian today for a chat and lunch at aston. finally got to know more about her taxi driver and satisfy my curiosity.sometimes some people just have the way to get to your heart even though you put up a wall so high, build a defence so strong,so why not just let nature takes it's course and see where it leads you.and i'm glad that you are able to meet mell!=]

then my chauffeur(=x)pick me up so we can go watch UNKNOWN. the show was quite nice but it just had this twist in the ending that you never thought about. after that was craving for the grilled chicken wing so we went and bought BBQ CHICKEN WING!!=]]]
Love was being rubbish as usual so we had this convo:
him:what's my name
me:why would i remember, you are the last thing on my mind
him:i'm the last thing on your mind before you sleep and the first thing when you wake up.
i'm contented that we are just weird in our own ways! that we will never do irrational things and that you will not just give in to my every whims and demands without thinking. Glad that i have you to fall back on and you to keep me grounded to earth.=]
btw love, even fb thinks you can only have one gf, so you just have to make do with me=p

=]

2011-02-23T00:17:00.000+08:00

Met up with bff for dinner. Had a lot to think about,but i'm glad that we met up.

Asked love to tell me story, so he chose the three little pig.he forgot what the middle pig used to build his house,so just anyhow and said the middle pig used shit. when the wolf come to blow down the house, he died because after inhaling the shit smell cause it was too smelly for the wolf. made me LOL.cute right?!!
im glad that he was there for me when i was feeling emoish.Being the one to make me smile.Thanks for making see the things i know but refuse to see. sorry for making you wait for an hour=[ and always staying up late.
"knowing that i have you,makes everything else alright."
you remind me of all the facts, the cruelty of reality. I have so much insecurities and they seems to be building up.
like you swing up so high,you are only waiting for the fall.
always being so careful because you want to avoid the hurt.
people change all the time, so who's next,when's it gonna be?
just like you said,hunger for power taints the heart. when's gonna be our turn?

*[[lenice]]*
-why people like happy ending so much? no matter how happy the ending was, it is still the end.

love,children can be cute too!

you are the souce of light when everything starts to turns dark and cold.

19TH

2011-02-19T18:30:00.000+08:00

Im officially 19 now. Feels god damn old.
thursday i Met up with adeline love for buffet and had a great chat with her!=] Then went over to mell's place for dinner. Guess i was worrying a bit too much.=x
yesterday mell,jj and vivian had dinner with my family instead. Hope it wasn't too boring for you guys! Headed off to zouk after that to meet timon bro and kh! Spent the first few hours of my birthday with them!!=] the rest is just a long story.hehes

Told bro i was grateful to him and adeline love cause its through them that i knew mell. although my birthday is just another day but im happy that i get to spend it with you guys.=]]

had a whole chunk i wanted to write but i know you will say thats like nothing, so just to summarize, im glad i met you and I lOVE YOU!
love,i dont need to have plans for this day neither do i need anything because with you i have everything=] Thanks for being in my life.<3>
*[[lenice]]*
-slowly, bit by bit the fear is increasing.

Surprise!

2011-02-17T00:24:00.000+08:00

The day ended with more surprises.
Gotten the havaianas adeline love got me!!=]] can't wait to see her tomorrow! we are going for jap buffet!!

We celebrated vday 2days later,but i still had a great time with you!=]
Guess its the first time for both of us.Maybe it will be the last. I know theres no guarantee that this will ever last but with you i wanna try!
‘I Trust You’ is a better compliment than ‘I Love You’ because you may not always trust the person you love but you can always love the person you trust.

*[[lenice]]*
-i guess its official now.

New start

2011-02-16T09:27:00.000+08:00

i swear i havent been blogging since i don't know when! yet today i have this URGE just to write down something.
Started on a new job so i guess everything's very different from what i imagine a year ago. So much has changed that i dont know what has changed anymore. I'm grateful for meeting my batchies though esp. adeline love.

The very big difference in my life is probably you. Still can't believe that i have only known you for such a short time yet you have become so important to me. Not someone to trust people yet i place my trust in you knowing that i may have to pick myself up again if you break it. Never thought it was possible i could still trust someone this much again. Couldn't explain why its this way with you.
I have alot of insecurities, but you always make me feel like i'm the silliest person on earth.

Just like how i didnt expect you to show up at the airport early in the morning! Thanks for making the effort!!=] I used to say people who buy flowers during vday is stupid cause they waste money. But i guess i should stop saying that just to make you smarter uh?!=X love the surprise and the gift!<3
*[[lenice]]*
-how deep can i fall,sometimes i wonder.

new start

Through my eyes

Numb

Chasing pavements.

Im loved!

Takes my breath away.

Is this it?!

Venezia

I'm back!!

here we go again.

Lifeless.

Stop the heart from bleeding.

been awhile.

Cant do it

No one

korean food at amara!=]

MALE!!

=[

brisbane again!

Bye mum!

Proud of myself=]

=|

Koala<3

AMS

love.

kh graduation!

Too little time

More food!

too much beer

2nd month and more.

its just me.

101 things on my mind

messed up.

HKF SFO

=[

1st month

*pissed*

Couple tee

misses

bangkok trip.

reminder

back from bkk

unknown

=]

19TH

Surprise!

New start

pissed